Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she told me i tasted like america
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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