Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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