I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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