listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize