and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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