you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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