She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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