I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
