JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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