i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
