If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
