I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
