there's paper in my vomit.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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