the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
