There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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