I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
