why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
