She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
