Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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