So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
