so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
