Screwed.edu
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
