I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
