We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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