I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
