Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize