Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
