Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
