at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
