I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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