if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
