Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Oh god it's open bar.
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