my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i think i just lost a toe
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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