can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
