A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
