Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
