I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
