News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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