Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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