My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
