I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
