I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
