So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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