Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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