The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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