this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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