How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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