he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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