We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize