i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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