fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
