My sheets look like a crime scene.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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