How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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