o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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