you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
