I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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