Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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