I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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