just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Come see our sink grown plant.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
