I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize